the milk snake's message
an invitation for repair and reconnection
hi friends,
today’s newsletter is coming to you from my favorite coffee shop in northwest portland — it’s been overcast these last few days, a portent of the season to come, but nearly all the walls are windows here, and though it’s not much light, it beats the darkness…
this month has held both light and darkness.
the darkness came as a realization of what years of trauma and stress have done to my body — i have rapidly lost weight this summer, with little desire for food, and the little i’ve eaten has wrought havoc on my digestive system. i’ve also been struggling with unknown nerve issues — hands gone numb when i feel extremely stressed, radiating pain down my shoulder when lifting a light bag of groceries. and one day this month, i sat in my doctor’s office as she explained that my labs show the markers for hashimoto’s — an autoimmune disease that correlates to and is exacerbated by the impact of long-lived trauma in the body.
i’ve only just begun to see my body as a source of strength. as tumultuous as my inner world and relationships have been, i have been fortunate enough to spend most of my life free of major health issues, save the persistent lower back pain, an ongoing reminder of a slightly crooked spine. my body has done whatever i’ve needed it to do, foregoing sleep, water, food, even bathroom breaks, in service of what my mind perceived as toughness, resilience.
my body has also been my outlet for pain and punishment — younger versions of me eating only enough to get by, excessively working out, scarring my wrists and ankles when i felt like i had no other options for release. through it all, my body has been quietly keeping score, storing in my bones and muscles what my mind was not able to accept — trauma, abuse, isolation. she took all of this on without complaint, without asking for anything from me. carrying as much as she could hold and only now showing the signs of the cost of that tremendous love.
i wept in the car drive home from the doctor’s office for my body — for knowing too little, too late, for not protecting her in all the ways that she protected me. just a few days later, i was at breakfast with a friend (just tea for me, thanks) with various pieces of art for sale throughout the space. On the wall opposite us, one piece caught my eye — a milk snake, wrapped through the bones of the sacrum — the part of my body that has carried pain for as long as i can remember. perhaps for one of the first times, i was able to see my body and the pain it carried with compassion, gratitude, admiration. i brought it home with me, placed it on my altar, giving my body for the first time the reverence and honor she deserves.
i’ve since learned that milk snakes hold a spiritual meaning as a symbol of renewal and protection. they look similar to poisonous coral snakes, but are harmless. i began to wonder what it would look like if i saw the ways my body was breaking down not as a poison resulting from my neglect, but as an invitation to repair my relationship to her — to commit to protecting her with the same energy that i want to protect everyone and everything i’ve ever loved.
listening to what my body needs now has resulted in some significant changes — including taking a sabbatical from work for the rest of this year, eliminating foods that exacerbate inflammation (i’m a gluten and dairy free hottie now!), and abstaining from weed/alcohol — the traditional ways i’ve masked the pain or discomfort my body was experiencing. i am finally listening and granting my body space for the rest and time that she deserves, and i already am feeling relief, renewal.
in a world where we can control so little, committing to taking good care of the bodies we’ve been given (especially bodies that our white capitalist patriarchal system wants to erase or subdue) is the work. Honoring and loving our bodies is an act of resistance.
To being kinder to our bodies and all that they help us hold.
— J
AND NOW FOR SOME GOOD NEWS!!!!
i am deeply honored and beyond excited to have been granted a scholarship to participate in VITAL, a training aimed to equip folks in psychedelic therapy with a rigorous, trauma informed approach to psychedelic integration.
i applied to this program on a whim, feeling much like an imposter due to my limited experience and nontraditional background. however, the power of psychedelics in my own healing journey has been profound, and i deeply believe in the power of this medicine to create safe containers to release grief and trauma, especially for folks who are already pushed to the margins of our society. the science behind psychedelics cannot be discounted, and the industry is quickly growing (and in some ways already being co-opted by white entrepreneurs, similar to what happened with cannabis).
my intention is to become a psychedelic facilitator specifically for BIPOC, queer, and other marginalized communities — to be a safe container, a witness to their lived experiences. i see this work as deeply connected to the work i do in social impact — many folks like me in this work were drawn to it because we want to repair the damage of intergenerational trauma, to create livable futures for our communities. but we cannot do this if we ourselves are broken. psychedelic medicine is not a replacement for the healing power of community (and therapy, freedom from harm and oppression, etc…), but it can help transform the beliefs we hold that keep us trapped in the same systems we’re trying to liberate ourselves from.
i begin classes next week and will be sharing resources from my coursework here for those of you who are interested!
other news and invitations (this newsletter has gotten lengthy, i will try and keep these brief)
i was accepted to kickstand comedy’s BIPOC improv program! something i know but have deeply undervalued is the power of humor in transforming grief — and at our first class last night, i witnessed that firsthand. i’ve never done improv before but something about playing pretend and leaning into my imagination feels so intuitive and so good! if you’re in portland, come see a show with me sometime ☺️
are you also dairy/gluten free or do you have hashimoto’s? send me those products, recipes, and other hacks that you love for taking good care of your body.
fall is here which means i’m ready for your book/film/tv/video game recommendations! let’s be honest, i am mourning “outside all the time” season, and i need some fuel for that (indoor) fire. specifically i’d love recommendations that are hopeful, but not saccharine — i just finished Pose and am in major withdrawal.
thank you for loving, seeing, and witnessing me, in this season, in all of them.
Love you bb! Our bodies are such amazing, resilient, tender, porous, and important vessels. So excited for this new training/path/opening for you!!